How a Monday Night Conversation at Andy’s Man Club Helps Men Open Up

We meet Darren, an area lead at Andy’s Man Club, and hear how a simple Monday night space helps men take the hardest step: walking through the door and speaking honestly. We talk about stigma, purpose after retirement or bereavement, and how volunteering can turn lived experience into support for someone else. 

• the origin story of Andy’s Man Club and why it started in 2016 
• how the groups work across the UK and why demand keeps rising 
• the “threshold” moment for men who are struggling and how a sweeper helps 
• stigma and generational attitudes to men opening up 
• retirement, loss and the need for connection and purpose 
• the path from attendee to volunteer facilitator and what good facilitation looks like 
• support available to facilitators including counselling options 
• Mission Possible fundraising and simple ways to get involved 
• confidentiality, safeguarding and why there is no register or referral 

Please don't forget to like, follow, or subscribe. 

Also if you would like too find our more about  "Andy's Man Club" please click on the following linwww.andysmanclub.co.uk.

Transcript

Welcome And Why Time Matters

Derm Tanner 0:00

Hello, thanks for listening to the Grey Matters Podcast. If you're retired or coming up to that big change in your life, chances are no one has ever warned you about all the added time you now have on your hands. No financial expert can help you with that. We spent months travelling around talking to charities, companies, and sports clubs, and it turns out you're needed and valued by them. Keep listening because we might just have a few suggestions for you. I'm Derm Tanner.

Roy Player 0:26

And I'm Roy Player.

Derm Tanner 0:28

And in this episode, we have been finding out more about Andy's Man Club, which is about ending the stigma of men's mental health, where the only real mantra is it's okay to talk.

Roy Player 0:39

Their aim to help one guy to save one life. And we were privileged enough, weren't we, to go and meet Darren at the Leeds playhouse. He told us about how his own personal journey has enabled him to become a volunteer at Andy's Man Club and to help others in need.

Darren 1:00

So I'm Darren, area lead for West Yorkshire for Andy's Man Club, which is a mental health support charity supporting men across the UK.

How Andy’s Man Club Began

Derm Tanner 1:09

So, Darren, let's start from the very beginning. I know that the inception of this was 2016 in in tragic circumstances.

Darren 1:16

Indeed it was, yeah.

Derm Tanner 1:17

Very briefly, can you just tell us why it was needed and how big an organisation it is now?

Darren 1:22

Okay, of course, yeah. So Andy's Man Club came about um following the tragic death of Andrew Roberts, who tragically took his own life at the age of 23. On the back of that, Luke Ambler, the co-founder of Andy's Man Club, spoke to Andy's mum Elaine about setting up a coffee group for men. That a post went out on social media following that conversation. On the very first night, nine men attended the, the very first session at a space in Halifax back in 2016, and you know, through progression over the the years that the organisation's been in operation, we're now at something in the region of about 325, 325 groups across the UK, covering from Scotland through England down to Wales and the south. We're open to any man over the age of 18 wishing to talk to like-minded men in a non-judgmental environment and safe space.

Derm Tanner 2:19

So 325 clubs tells you there's a problem, doesn't it?

Darren 2:24

Absolutely it does. Yeah, we've got approximately six and a half thousand men every week, every single week coming through our doors at our various venues across the UK.

Getting Men Through The Door

Roy Player 2:34

Can I just sort of ask then to get that figure is extraordinary because I would imagine the biggest issue is getting men in particular to actually face up to the reality that they need help.

Darren 2:48

The most difficult step for any man who wants to attend our group is making that footstep over the threshold and getting into a group session. So we've had many guys that attend our sessions that maybe think, yeah, I need to go, I need to go, I need to go. I was super sceptical at first before attending the sessions myself. We've had guys that have kind of driven into car parks, sat in the cars, and maybe attended week after week and just sat in the cars and driven off because they don't want to make that that initial step to get in over the door. One of the things that we do have at Andy's Man Club is something called a sweeper. A sweeper is a chap who would generally stand outside the venue in Andy's Man Club merchandise and look out for those individuals who maybe haven't quite got the guts or courage to maybe take that step out of the car and walk into our venue. So we've had a number of guys that have ultimately had a knock on the window. You know, are you here for Andy's Man Club? Yeah, I am. Let me come in, let me grab hold of you, let your car up, we'll we'll get you in, get you a brew, get settled, grab your biscuit, and come in and you can have a bit of a chat with us about you know what's going on in your life.

Roy Player 3:56

Since you went yourself initially a couple of years ago, have you found that attitude has changed at all within society about how men are perceived as being willing to admit that they have an issue?

Darren 4:09

I think mental health in general across both men and women is still very much stigmatised, and there's you know massive issues across society with with mental health. We are as an organisation doing absolutely as much as we possibly can to ensure that the word gets out there and to destigmatise mental health and that it's not a burden, it's not a weakness, it's not embarrassing to talk. We do as much as we possibly can through our social media platform and through our groups and awareness and kind of getting involved with companies out in the in the big wide world, whether that be a train wrap that we've got on a Transparency Express train or some hailage company who's got us liveried up on their vehicles to try and get the word out that it is okay to talk.

Derm Tanner 4:53

Do you find it's a generational thing? So people of a certain age, myself, I'm in my mid-sixties, and you know, it's when I grew up it was about you know you you deal with it yourself, you suck it up and all of that. Whereas perhaps nowadays the the men of 18 plus 2023, they're much more in tune with their emotions, and they realise if they you know they they do need some help. Whereas you know, it's a failure to ask for help if you're 60 to 70 maybe.

Darren 5:25

I think there is a generational generational thing, but you'll see it across our groups, and we get guys from as young as 18 walking through the door all the way through to 50, 60, 70, where you know the spectrum is is vast. It's probably more in tune, like you say, with with the youth of the and and the younger generation about it being more acceptable or perceived to be acceptable that it's okay to talk and and to kind of to not necessarily have to man up and and to kind of open up and be able to come and talk to like-minded men in in that social space. We've got guys that attend groups, you know, 50, 60, 70, who have come to kind of a retirement in their life, or something might have happened in their life, you know, whether it's they've lost the loved one or something like that, where they are looking to kind of you know unburden themselves and and and have that connectivity with with men who can maybe help and support them get through that. So it's like it's a brotherhood and it allows men to kind of talk with others in a in a in a safe space, a safe environment where they've had maybe similar guys who attend the sessions have had similar experience or that they can kind of help with maybe a bereavement or how they've dealt with that bereavement, or it might be that they're retired, or you know, how they've coped with that through their through their recent times.

Roy Player 6:47

The thing about sort of dealing with retirement, dealing with bereavement, whether it be of a can be friends, family, animals, I've been through, you know, all of those things. Is it something do you think that it is a great shame that it isn't talked about at an earlier age so that people can prepare for these things later in life? Because I felt that it was something that we never talked about, never talked about, and then suddenly bang, it happens. Is there any way for people do you think to prepare for these things?

Darren 7:19

Our staff line is it's okay to talk, and at whatever age, whether that be, you know, even junior school and and stuff about mental health and mental illness, then that's absolutely paramount, and I think there's probably not enough enough done about it these days, and and it is you know getting to the forefront of of kids at seven, eight, nine who maybe are having struggles in their life, they might have had you know bereavement themselves that they've had to struggle with, and and maybe you know, social anxiety or anxiety, or maybe depressed, or there's you know illnesses such as ADHD out there and things like that that that they're not particularly in tune with how they should deal with that or or how to cope with stuff like that. So I think through the work we do, obviously we're an own a charity or an null who are only open to many over the age of 18, but but you know, grabbing grabbing the opportunity to speak to people at any age, whether they be seven, eight, nine, as I've said, through to sixty, sixty-five, and grabbing it as early as possible. Hopefully, it sets it sets a new boundary, it sets a new mindset. It's it's about not reinventing the wheel but changing the wheel in terms of making sure all the spokes are there and the wheel can obviously turn.

From Attendee To Volunteer Facilitator

Derm Tanner 8:27

So, can we come on to volunteering, which is the next step, which is obviously what you have done, Darren? You've gone from attending a meeting and talking, and then at some point you would have thought to yourself, well, I, I want to take this further. Can you just explain that that story?

Darren 8:47

Yeah, so the processing it's quite a simple but unique business model is Andy's Man Club in terms of how it works. So I first attended Andy's Mann Club as a user of the the groups because I felt that I needed to attend to help myself, which is often the first step in terms of recognising that you know something needs to change. It's all done through organic growth. So our groups and our you know, we're at 320 some groups now, that's all done organically through recognising that there's areas within the UK that need some help and support, and through attendees coming through the doors of an Andys man club, whether that be Leeds, Lincoln, wherever it might be, London, for example. But to go back to your point, kind of the steps that that you go through, it's all volunteers. So every, every individual whilst I am fortunate to say that I work for the organisation now, it's all volunteer led on a Monday night. So everyone who has an Andys Man Club merchandise stash who attends it for on behalf of the organisation on a Monday is a volunteer. And they through attending the sessions they would have walked through that over that threshold and through those doors of an Andy's man club as a user initially, and then through attending regularly, the facilitator team that are in attendance kind of get to obviously understand that individual and hopefully they can help and work them through their concerns and their worries to a point where we feel that that individual maybe is in a space where they can now give back to the organisation through the advice and the guidance that they can give to others through interjection and through conversations that they have during those meetings. So we will approach them as a facilitator team within that venue to say, do you want to join the facilitator team and become a facilitator of the organisation? As I've alluded to before, I'm now you know super super proud to say that I work for the organisation, but it's it's a very simplistic bit business model in that I attended as a user, I became a facilitator, and now I'm in a position of strength in terms that I work for the organisation.

Roy Player 10:56

I mean, do you do you think, I mean, because obviously the most probably known way about dealing with mental health, if you if you're brave enough, is to maybe go and see a therapist and I mean I went to see someone to do mindfulness and NLP. Do you think that having experienced what what you've gone through is a very sort of unique way then of taking that on as a volunteer to be able to help other people that were in your position?

Darren 11:26

Yeah, I think I think life experience is, is different for everyone, and you know, and his man club doesn't necessarily work for everybody, like like a lot of things, so it might be that you see your GP, you prescribe medication, you know, that might work for you. You might have to go and see a therapist or a counsellor, but that might work for you, it might not, but this is just another string to enable guys out there who are maybe struggling to be in a safe and judgment judgmental free environment where they can help each other. So, what would you hope then that a volunteer brings to those Monday evening? Just themselves, just purely themselves, some empathy, life experience, advice, guidance, support, listening. Yeah, absolutely, yeah. Listening is is vitally important to all of that because they need to, you know, understand what that individual's saying, and then be able to reflect and and give appropriate maybe advice or guidance or support to that individual who maybe is opening up for that very first time about something that might be happening within their life.

Derm Tanner 12:32

And what kind of support does a facilitator then get? Once you've decided to go from a user to a facilitator, how does the organisation help you?

Darren 12:45

Okay, so, so as as we are a voluntary organisation, we're very fortunate that as a facilitator team there is an employee assistance programme available to facilitators, so that offers a number of benefits open to all facilitators who you know volunteer for our organisation. So that's through therapy counselling sessions, might be mindfulness stuff on there. There's various other avenues that are open to that individual. But I think the first the first sign is to identify that maybe that facilitator is encountering some problems in their life, maybe they've taken a little bit of a backward step or they're struggling. So we would flag that and then obviously put them in touch with our employee assistance programme.

Roy Player 13:33

And are there particular qualities you look for when you when you're looking at the user? I mean because in a way you're kind of you know you're kind of scanning, aren't you? Seeing could this could this person take the next step? So you must be looking for certain things.

Darren 13:52

Yeah, I think I think you are. I think Roy's probably touched upon it massively there with kind of the whole listening that's you know vitally important,, but also how they interact with people within the room, the advice, the guidance, the kind of their interjections and support that they can potentially give to to individuals within the room. I don't particularly see it within myself, uh, and I was kind of a little bit taken aback when I got approached, to be honest. But I think it's about the humanity of the individual. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah.

Derm Tanner 14:20

So what why were you surprised?

Darren 14:22

Someone saw something in me that I'd probably didn't see in myself.

Derm Tanner 14:26

And that presumably gave you a great sense of I don't know, purpose or something. Yeah, absolutely.

Darren 14:32

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, massive, massive lift, massive lift.

Roy Player 14:35

Because that's something that gets lost, isn't it? Yeah, that that sense of purpose that you have as an individual. That's very and that I found that I think of the depression can start with that. Yeah. So that must be extraordinary for you experience.

Darren 14:48

As I say, it's a it's been an absolute journey. But yeah, from from from kind of being at rock bottom or or certainly there or thereabouts to then kind of attend the sessions and then people kind of reacting to how you conduct yourself within those Andys Man Club sessions on a Monday night to then kind of be approached to say, you know what, we'd like you to be a volunteer for our organisation. It's a massive lift, it's a massive kind of yeah, I'm on the I'm on the right trajectory here, I'm on the right path, I must be giving something back to the organisation. They see something in me that I don't necessarily see within myself, and a super proud moment for me. I snap their hand off.

Mission Possible And Fundraising Ideas

Roy Player 15:27

One of the key things that really stands out on the website is Mission Possible. Could you just tell us a little bit about that? Is that another way for volunteers and a different routine for volunteers as well?

Darren 15:40

Yeah, so I, I guess anybody can get involved with Mission Possible, and it was the brainchild of co-founder Luke Hambler who kind of came up with the idea whilst in a Costa coffee shop in in Halifax with a friend of his. He wanted to do something a little bit different in 2025, so he is a guy who always wants to push himself and push the boundaries. So he came up with the idea of hashtag Mission Possible and his own personal mission possible for 2025 was to do the five UK Iron Man events, which you know that's not that's not for everyone, certainly not for me. Mission Possible can mean anything to anybody. It could be something as simple as you know handing out a wristband of an Andys Man Club to a friend or a relative, or it might be having five conversations about mental health with five people you know and love. It could be having a cake sale at work, it might be having a coffee morning, it means anybody, anything to anybody, and you could get involved in in one way, shape, or form what which whatever is your your ponchon or however you want to kind of get involved.

Roy Player 16:42

And if someone does want to do that, and someone sort of, for example, you know, the group of us who play paddle or something on a Saturday afternoon, say actually you want to raise money for Andy's Mann Club, do they come to you so that you get recognition and you get you get sort of an Andy Mann Club official sort of volunteer setup?

Darren 17:01

Okay, so what we what we would ordinarily do there is if if someone is a pro or does approach us, so you can do that via emailing into info at 'andysmanclub.co.uk' and we can send out some information to you about how you can go about raising money for Andy's Man Club with various ideas, etc. You complete in whatever it is you're doing for fundraising, we can send you out maybe like a fundraising pack to start with, but then subsequently also then send out a certificate once you've completed your fundraising activity by way of acknowledgement and recognition that you've you've done the required fundraising activity.

Derm Tanner 17:34

Because all money is contributions, isn't it?

Darren 17:37

Yeah, so yeah, we're a donation-led organisation, so we you know we are funded through donations, through sponsorship, through people donating funds to Andy's Man Club. We don't get any government support or any financial backing from any other organisations other than kind of the businesses that we, we work with and deliver presentations to who who want to give back to to the charity.

Confidentiality Rules And How To Join

Derm Tanner 18:02

Can I ask you about confidentiality? Because obviously we're talking about topics that are very sensitive to individuals.

Darren 18:10

So anything that happens with the Andys Man Club setting is confidential. That is unless you we we as a facilitator team within that setting feel that you are at risk to yourself or someone else, in which case we would then go out and speak to the relevant services or approach the relevant services at that point.

Derm Tanner 18:28

But when you turn up at an event at a meet at a club on a Monday between seven and nine, there's no register of my name or anything like that. There's no register online.

Darren 18:37

Yeah, we you know we don't take any charges, any bookings, there's no referral necessary to attend one of Andy's Man Club's venues. You can just rock up on on a Monday night at seven o'clock and attend at the venue. Yeah, there's no register, as you've said, we don't take any other information from the individual other than their first name and a positive reason for attending.

Derm Tanner 18:56

And can I ask why Mondays?

Darren 18:58

Yeah, of course. So sadly, Andy was found in the early hours of Tuesday morning.

Derm Tanner 19:04

Right. You've answered the question.

Darren 19:08

If if there'd been somewhere for Andy to go on a Monday night, I might not be sat delivering this podcast with you guys today. Andy might still well be here, and we might not even be talking about Andy's man club.

Derm Tanner 19:18

It's clearly a hugely important organisation. Where do you see this growing in the next two, three, five? Because obviously, in the last you know, nine years or so, it's grown hugely.

Darren 19:33

Yeah, it's grown exponentially and probably in the last 12 months or so. I've seen probably looking at the numbers, probably we've opened over a hundred clubs in the last 12 months across the UK. You know, we say we want a club or an Andys Man Club venue to be within 30 minutes' drive of every man in the UK. This is something that we continue to aim to deliver. You know, there's a McDonald's within probably half an hour of every man in the UK. Why can't we have an Andys Man club within every half an hour or within half an hour of every man in the UK? This is the kind of the level that we want to get to.

Roy Player 20:05

I think it's absolutely extraordinary. I t's such a privilege meeting you. Thank you for sharing your story and also hopefully being able to help other people, and hopefully, some of the people that we're putting this podcast to may feel a lot more confident about coming to one of your meetings and getting involved.

Darren 20:22

Yeah, I'd say if, if, if in doubt, give us a try. You can find us if you go to the website www.andysmanclub.co.uk. There's a group finder on there. Click in your postcode and it'll tell you where your nearest group is. We also do an online session as well, so if you are sceptical about attending a session, you can also go to the online sessions, drop an email into info at www.andysmanclub.co.uk. The team in the office will send you a link and you can join the sessions on a Monday night online.

Derm Tanner 20:49

It's a safe place. It's okay to talk.

Darren 20:52

It is okay to talk.

Derm Tanner 20:53

If having listened to Darren there, you want to know more, either to help as a volunteer or to get in touch, then that email address again is andysmanclub.co.uk There you can find your local group, lots of background information, including a statement from the founder Luke Ambler on why the charity was set up, as well as many ways to get in touch. You've been listening to Grey Matters More, produced and presented by Roy Player and Derm Tanner. Please don't forget to like, follow, or subscribe. That way you'll never miss an episode.